Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
