My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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