His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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