remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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