Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
ttyl tear gas
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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