Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
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A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
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He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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