I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
