well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube