apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
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