Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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