I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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