Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
