yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
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what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made out with two different species that night
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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