I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
