she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
birth control should be required to get into college
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She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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