I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
