i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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