After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
