He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
