There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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