Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
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I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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