how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just googled if crying burns calories
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
