dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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