my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
