i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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