I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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