the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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