i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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