My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
