Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
