Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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