Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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