Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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