My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
