I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize