where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
