He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
