Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
