i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
