I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
