70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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