Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
