Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
