i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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