Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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