I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
