Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
