I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
