wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
