Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
