What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
