I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
