allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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