how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
