If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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