apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
