By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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