I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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